It’s not always rainbows and sunshine in early recovery. Gone is the myth, just because I’ve stopped using everything will be okay now. On the contrary, because you’ve stopped using or acting out on your addiction you will start to see the REAL wreckage of your past. All those feelings that have been pushed down for so many years start to surface. Don’t back away, it’s now time to move forward and start sorting through it all.
My experience with this was particularly moving. There have been very few times in my life when I have experienced such an immense amount of freedom through turmoil. For me it was Step 4 that sparked all the emotion. Digging into the shame and guilt of the past was difficult but I noticed the harder it was to feel and deal with, the more freedom I experienced.
It isn’t and hasn’t always been easy since those days.
I’ve often heard people say “Life on Life’s terms” and I realize that I’m not only powerless over my addiction but I’m powerless over people, places and things.
I’m grateful that the desire to use has left me and that it’s not what I battle with. Being a functional, HONEST and responsible person is my fight. When you come from being so dysfunctional and destructive, learning new ways to live can really present challenges. I believe it’s more about not knowing what to do rather than choosing the wrong thing to do. I live differently, by different principals and I follow others you have done it before me. I’m honest, accountable and willing to listen to suggestions. I have a routine and a structure that I follow on a daily basis, which helps me see where my behaviour is changing or staying the same.
I have hope and an honest determination that a future without drugs or any addictive substances or behaviours is possible. I believe in myself and in the power I can muster to push through tough times. But I always remember that without God, a program and people around me who care and want me to get well, I have nothing.