As an addict I HAVE to come to terms with the word powerlessness. One of my main character defects is the need to control. I needed to control my feelings, my environment, my peers and even other peoples’ perceptions about me. This proved to be a tiresome act, because in reality I have no control over any of those things. Being an extremist in all areas, controlling feelings became a desperate fight to change any sort of perceived negativety. Drugs, sex, food and even computer games were used as tools to shut down or change the way I felt.
Controlling my environment manifested itself in OCD-like behaviour. Super cleanliness, order and structure needed to be followed so that I could feel good about myself and in control.